Feelings

Tony did really well at driving.  He took the bull by the horns and went for it. There was the inevitable stalling but it wasn’t long before he’d changed up to 3rd gear doing about 35mph!! I could sense he was feeling a bit out of control but let him go for it for a while. In the end he drove up the airfield and back, doing a 3 point turn, and only stalled it once. He’s really keen to go again and now he has his licence we can do road driving too Auto

I’m beginning to feel like I’m really at home now. I’ve pottered and sat and shopped when I wanted to. The house feels clean and fresh and tidy and I don’t even mind emptying the cat litter. I’ve had the windows open all day and it was even nice enough to sit in the garden. It got quite hot in fact and the other evening was positively Mediterranean; warm breeze late into the night Island with a palm tree

I feel much calmer.

Things took an unexpected turn today though and although it’s a contradiction to what I just described, it’s all part of the changes in life and the growing that I/we do.

Yesterday I felt completely fucked! I was having a good day and didn’t expect to feel like that. Don’t know what that was about. It was an unexpectedly nice feeling though. But today I felt melancholy, distracted and agitated all at once. At times close to tears. A wave of uncertainty came over me: uncertainty about myself and my worth; my actions; my thoughts and feelings. The agitated bit felt like ‘charlie’. Raised pulse, deepened breathing, pounding sensation in the gut but without the speedy effect. It’s gone now. It came on unexpectedly and suddenly and wasn’t supposed to happen.

Now I feel more settled and certain. So where did it go? All that upset and turmoil.

I had the ‘conversation’ early enough to remind me I am OK and pretty much on the right track. Once I knew that, my mood started to lift. Now it feels warm and settled inside … metaphorically speaking. Literally speaking, I feel bruised in the gut as though the earlier sensations were very real … and the tops of my legs ache (but that could be because of my back).

So that’s all OK now then Party

Or is it? Is it all a consequence of my relationship with Niadh. It’s all a bit uncertain at the moment and I feel it is now Niadh’s decision to make. He needs to know where he wants to be and who he is. That’s my judgement alone but I think he would agree.

There’s a lot of uncertainty around now I think of it. Me and Niadh and the future that holds and then there’s going back to work. I know what I’m going back to it but not what it’s like there now. Were my feelings yesterday and today related with this? The answer has to be possibly, or is it probably?

I guess it was all a result of how I have been feeling and how I acted upon that. I think I’ve been trying to get on with my life in a constant manner even amongst the inconsistencies. I just get into a routine and Niadh comes home. I’m not blaming him but it’s not easy sometimes adjusting to having someone in the house who doesn’t seem to be there a lot of the time. He’s probably here more then he isn’t a lot of the time, but it feels like it’s the other way round at times.

So what I’ve been doing lately, it seems, is living independently of Niadh. The ‘track’ I was talking about. A bit of doing what I want when I want but also trying to include him when I can, but he doesn’t always seem to want to be included. Trying to maintain my own routine amongst the adapting to his.

I think that might be where some of my ‘niggles’ have come from in the past. I’ve tried to maintain my own routine for some time and possibly got a bit obsessive about it. Wanting things done in a certain way otherwise it would wind me up. Even having friends round grew to be a bit of a chore even though I wanted them there! There’s nearly always a mess when visitors leave.

I clear up as I go along and Niadh doesn’t. He clears up afterwards so why does that wind me up? I guess it’s because he’s not doing what I’d do!

Ho Hum. The battle of trying to keep control when you haven’t got it in the first place Sigh. If I didn’t know what was going on I’d be worried about myself but I know I can calm this down and find the middle ground I need. I have to relinquish control because I’ve never had it in the first place. I mean the feeling that I have control over life – something common to us all. Truth is, we have some control over where we can take our lives but not over the events and changes that go on around us.

Ergo: I have no control over what I cannot control. So get on with it!

[ergo (Latin) conj. & modif. therefore, hence, consequently, thus]

I’ve also been ignoring phones a lot lately. My mobile has been switched off a lot when I’m at home and I haven’t always taken much notice of who might have rung if I haven’t heard the home phone. That part feels great … not having to think about the phone, any phone.

Now I think of it, the unexpected events of the week probably weren’t that unexpected. If only hindsight weren’t so retrospective. I wouldn’t have been so surprised!

Osteopathy, Driving, and Home

Off to the osteopath today. Just what I wanted to be doing on my holidays! My back got progressively worse last week until the weekend when it eased up a bit. Now I’m a bit freer but a bit sore in places and I’ve got to go back next week. He said I’m pretty much locked up on one side. There was bounce in my left hip but not in the right when he lay me on the table and pressed down on my hips. Now I need to stick to the exercises he gave me to do. It kinda puts the kybosh on going away anywhere at the weekend. I don’t want to drive for miles and not be able to get out of the car at the other end!

Bumped into Tony while I was at Chris & Paul’s. He wants to learn to drive so I’m taking him over to Bradwell airfield on Saturday. He says he’s never taken control of a car before …. so that should be fun then. I’m still not quite sure what he meant when he said I was the ideal person to ask about this. Did he mean I’d have the patience, or that I was ‘sensible’?

Years ago I was the one who let go of Simon’s push-bike seat and off he went for the first time under his own steam. He didn’t realise he was on his own for a minute while I ran alongside as if I was still holding the bike up. My dad did the same thing to me. Now it seems I’ll be first to take Tony for driving lessons.

It’s been nice pottering around the house and not having to rush anywhere. I like having the time to clear up behind me and keep things tidy. I like being here when it’s quiet; when the radio, the TV and the computer are off and I can hear the sounds of the village and the birds and the rain.

It’s rained a bit in the last couple of days and thunder is forecast for Saturday. I love having the windows open and listening to the sound of the rain. There’s something quite soothing about it. And the smell ….. clean, fresh, washed. I love it!

I like being here when it just feels like home. Not when it feels like somewhere to be in between being somewhere else. I like sensing it and experiencing it. I like coming back to it from wherever I’ve been. I like looking at it. I like sitting in it. I like feeling like I’ve got time to do things in it. I like being in it.

Burnham Art Trail and a Boat Ride

Burnham Art Trail today. And what a lovely day! Brilliant sunshine, 27 degrees, bit of a breeze. Felt so relaxed and carefree. Not a care in the world. The boat ride with Siew Keens dad. Azure (?) water, clear enough to see some of the hull of a boat underwater. Salt spray and wind in my face. No ice cream though

Amsterdam and Beyond

Amsterdam was hazily brilliant! I was completely off my face Monday (and the Sunday night … and Tuesday morning); like I haven’t been for years. It got quite trippy and unreal a couple of times during the day.

Pauline spat red wine over Rick & Siew Keens trousers, Judith passed out spectacularly amongst a pool of red wine looking for all the world like a murder victim, and there were a few stunned group silences over the course of the 3 days …… But when we laughed … Rolling on the floor

I’d need a couple more days there to explore more. We got pretty lost for a while and went round in circles a couple of times … but that was the fault of two policemen, a removal chappy in an open cellar and a passerby. Nothing at all to do with anything wee’d smoked! It was hot as well and our little legs got quite tired.

Cue the solace of a handy little coffee shop, in a square, outside, under the shade of a large tree. Well, we just had to stop, didn’t we? Having partaken of sustenance and conviviality we soldiered on. The rest of the afternoon was spent on board a water bus on the canal. If I could travel to work like that every day I don’t think I’d ever feel stressed out again. The journey was beautifully calming.

All too soon Tuesday morning was upon us and we had to do some serious smoking to use up everything we’d bought. Still, we managed it. Then it was off to the airport by tram (which we didn’t seem to pay for either of the times we used it) for the afternoon flight back home. I think I was still recovering on Wednesday morning when I went back to work.

And I never thought about work the entire time I was away!

Maybe that’s the answer. 3 days in Amsterdam at the beginning of July getting absolutely shit-faced and I’ll be well relaxed and set up for the rest of my holidays.

Another World

I’ve been feeling tired enough to stop driving on my way home lately. The first time I stopped at the rest area just east of Stansted, rolled a fag and had a stroll. Behind me the chumbawumba wagon was chugging away, discharging cooking oiley fumes and the smell of cheap burgers. Suddenly it looked like an inviting haven of tranquility. I went in.

Medium sized caravan with serving bar at one end. Counter top tables along both sides and some chairs.

Paul O’Grady on the TV and the Sun newspaper scattered around … I don’t do either! But, with a greasy sausage in a bun, and a cup of tea stirred with a tannin-black spoon, it was wonderful!! The A120 screaming past outside seemed a world away.

I read the paper and listened to the TV with one ear. I thoroughly enjoyed the greasy sausage-in-a-bun and the cup of tea in the polystyrene cup. I spent about half an hour in there. It was like exiting reality, or stepping off the planet for a breather.

I rolled another fag before I left and went outside and smoked it.

I stopped at the same place the next day. But this time I was tired enough to sleep when I got there. I locked the doors and went to sleep for just over an hour.

The building stress of the upcoming month and everything involved with shutting the office down has made me knackered by the end of the day. Tanya phoned Shelagh and told her, she was so concerned …. what a lovely friend. She said she wouldn’t be able to live with herself if something happened to me parked up in a lay-by.

The upshot of that was the talk I subsequently had with Shelagh ………